Lifestyles / Relationships
Meet the parents.

Him meeting her parents.

We’ve been going out for over a month and its going well. We’ve done the cinema, the meals, raving, the long phone conversations, the shopping trips, the first kiss, meeting the friends. Now it’s the last step – meet the parents.

It’s always the mums who realise first – I’m having more nights out, I’m stuck on the phone or instant messenger for hours, I dress a lot better, I’m smiling a lot more. So I have to own up eventually – I’ve met someone… Now it’s the question time – What’s his name, age, profession, schooling, nationality, area, what do his parents do, what do his friends do, how did you meet? They don’t like him already - I can’t go out now without them mentioning his name – “Are you going to see him? When are we going to meet him?”

He’s got a lot of work to do when he comes round mine to see them. This is the key moment in our relationship. He doesn’t want to go but he’s willing to give it a try, he likes me. He wants to meet my family… I chatter away on the journey there – my mum does this, my dad likes that, and my sister thinks that, and my sister thinks this… I open my door… First impressions count for everything, he looks good but he always does. He’s turning up the charm and he’s got great eye contact. But parents never give an inch, my mum has the disapproving eye, my dad has that you touch my daughter and I’ll kill you stare, my sister is enjoying the show…

There’s a firm handshake and nod for my dad, a warm smile for my mum, a friendly introduction for my sis. My mum breaks first, offering a seat and some juice. My dad refuses to budge, continuing his deadly glare. They ask him the top five things that every parent needs to know about their child’s man.

• What job do you have?
• Where are you from?
• Who do you live with?
• Do you have any children?

• Do you go to church?

It doesn’t matter that I’ve already answered all these questions, many times. They want to hear his replies, just to make sure. He flips it round, asks them about their lives, people usually love to talk about themselves don’t they? Dad gives one – two, sometimes three word answers, mum is a bit kinder but her elaboration is still down to a minimum.

I jump in, highlighting his education, his great business ideas, and his work with the community. My sister who has been a smug spectator up to this point decides to enter the scene. I’m coping with awkward parents, an uncomfortable boyfriend and now a competing sibling arrives. She offers him more pineapple juice, making sure she bends extra low as she pours. Even I can’t help looking down her top. I’ll deal with her later.

First I have to make sure my dad doesn’t go mad. I make a quick change of subject – current
affairs, family values. It’s been over an hour, he can politely apologise for having to leave. I lead him to the door, he smiles, I smile, and I know he’ll call me later. My parents aren’t completely satisfied, but at least they don’t think he’s ‘wotless’.

Well, we got over the first hurdle, now it’s my turn…. What a joke ting! Who thought up the concept of meeting the parents? It had to be a woman, sorry ladies but what man would have done his brothers like that?

From his view:

I arrive at her house on time! Even though the number 50 bus was on diversion. She opens the door and greets me with a wide smile – she’s feeling my attire. I respond by giving her a respectful kiss on her cheek- true gent. She invites me in.

Her dad doesn’t hide the fact that I don’t impress him - one look at me and the guy has already made up his mind despite the fact that I made a concerted effort to wear my trousers on my waist!

And let me not even start with her mum, after scanning me from my longest hair follicle to the tip of my brand new addida’s shell toes, she proceeds to ask me every question away from asking for my passport, payslip and bank statement. You would have thought I was some vagabond asking to marry the queen. But hear the joke though; my girl doesn’t even have a job!

The dialogue...

Where do you work? Sainsbury’s.
Do you go to church? I try to go as often as I can.
Where are you from? I was born in London but my mum’s from Dominica and my dad is Jamaican.
Who do you live with? My mum and brother (this receives a raised eyebrow-single parent stereotype).
Do you have any children? Nah I’m waiting until I’m married (cliché, but it worked).

So carry on telling them everything they want to hear - must remember to thank my boys later. Yes please, no thank you. Standard courtesy. It went as well as could be expected. My girl called me as soon as I got home and told me I had passed the test.

Her meeting his parents.

So, I thought this whole thing about meeting the parents was done and dusted until my fast mouthed little brother went and told my mum that I had met my girl’s parents! What a waste man! Mum starts moaning and asking why she hasn’t met my girl. I reply, it’s just that I was unsure if I was serious about this one mum, I didn’t know if she would live up to your expectations”

She seemed pleased with that answer. I promised that I would bring my girlfriend around the following Friday. When I tell my girl about Friday’s plans she is going to start acting as though I proposed to her – exactly what I didn’t want. Then she asks the dreaded question, What shall I wear? - How am I supposed to know? This isn’t no grand ball, its dinner at me house man! Mum is just as excited. “What shall I cook?” she asks. “Curry Goat, white rice and macaroni cheese” Standard!

Friday appeared from nowhere. Mum has been cleaning the house all day and making a real effort with the dinner – I haven’t seen so many pots on the stove in all my 19 years!

My girl calls - she’s at the bus stop. My brother accompanies me to the bus station. She’s standing there in a skirt! It’s the middle of December and she’s in a skirt! What is it with you girls? Of course my brother doesn’t see a problem with her choice of clothing. He better mind out! Mum opens the door with a big smile - I’m talking big! I haven’t ever seen her canines before. The approval is instant I guess.

I make all the formal introductions. Mum gives her a hug and welcomes her in. It’s funny how girlfriends get it so easy init? No grilling, no questions, no bad looks or grunts. It’s all love! I am not complaining but you heard all the grief I got when I met her family. The ladies talk about chick stuff, East Enders, Holby City and shopping. It’s a good thing I got my food to keep me occupied - this curry goat is heavy! Mum went all out!

My mum asks who wants dessert. My brother is straight off the mark – he’s so eager man! My girl turned down the apple pie even though I know that she really wants it. What’s up with that?

My girl offers to help mum share out the dessert and then decides that she will have some – she’s definitely comfortable now. She thanks my mum for a wonderful evening and kisses her goodbye – mum tells her she’s welcome back anytime. The ladies go on - result! But now it’s official.

Earlier in the week she was my girl but now she’s the WIFEY! It was definitely a woman that thought up this concept.